14 October 2009


As a rule, Diamondhacks avoids disparaging people's physical features. It's less a moral code than simply the daunting challenge of coming up with zingers sufficiently funny or cruel. We called Jeff Moorad fat once, which seems sporting since he's been fat for a long time. Plus, he can help being fat. If he occasionally refused butter and Baco-bits on all those ballroom potatoes, or walked his damn dog, there'd be no issue.

So, it's somewhat out of character that we run this. Anyway, my wife and I were watching a September game on TV , or trying to, when CEO Derrick Hall hijacked the telecast, reciting something about being "excited". As we understandably glazed over, my wife blurts out this bombshell:

That's the smallest mouth I've ever seen on a man.

Wow. She's right. All these years, pouncing on Derrick's illocution like a crazed raptor - and I never noticed. My obsession with what came out of his mouth blinded me from the real story. His mouth is incredibly small for a man. Or a marmoset, since we've broached the subject. This doesnt impede Mr Hall from yakking up the Dbacks, of course, but raises a question whether the Barnum pushing "All You Can Eat" has bitten off more than he can physically chew. A mini sirloin burger looks to be his match, or perhaps yogurt.

If you think that's 'going too far', contrast Hall's feeble kisser with AJ Hinch's outrageous wraparound. The ostensible skipper's frogyap extends well beyond where a healthy orifice ends, traveling half way 'round his smug Execu-Dome.

And when he opens that giant clamshell, a poor ump could lose his double chin faster than a rhubarb.

If there's ever a Batman sequel, where they need a Joker, who instead of terrorizing an American city, systematically destroys baseball fans' hopes in another, they know where to find him.


PAUL said...

Matt, no disrespect, but she is YOUR wife. Her judgment on the size of a man's mouth must be somewhat out-of-context by now.

Diamondhacks said...

So true! At this point, she doesnt even flinch at AJ's grotesque pelican maw. I blame myself.