Twas the night before Xmas, when all through the BOB,
Not an intern was stirring, not even a job;
The stockings were hung by Grant Trenbeath w/ care,
In hopes that Steinbrenner soon might be there.
The players sat typing their eTrade logins,
While visions of 'market value' raced in their noggins;
And Jim in his kilt, and I in men's clothes,
Had just settled in for the winter's hot stove.
When out on the sod there arose such a howl,
I sprang from the whirlpool without any towel.
Away to the loge I flew like Chris Young,
Tore open suite curtains, which were both (if I do say so) well hung.
The massive white clock that shone like the devil,
Gave lustre to objects below on field level.
When, what to my wondering eyes should putt in
But a limo with stretchmarks, and Daron Sutton.
"C'mon People. Let's Git Some Rrrrrrrrrruuuunnnsss!!!"
I knew in a flash this pimp was Don's son.
With sassy teen spirit, the doors they spread open,
And out popped "Big Unit", when I saw what came lopin'
"Now, Suzy! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Candy! on Cupid! on, Donna and Titzen!
To the tops of the dugouts! With your Aquafinas!
Sashay! Sashay! Sashay like you mean it!"
As dust that before the desert monsoon doth scatter,
The Rallybacks bounced, and none were the flatter
By this time, the players had been roused from their lockers
And Augie exclaimed, "What a great pair of....um...eyes"
And then, in a wink, I heard on the roof
Metallic gnawing of one giant tooth.
As panels parted, a truly horrible sight,
Snaggletooth Selig, as large as the night!
He was dressed all in dollars, from his toes to his rug,
The bills came from casinos, cable and drugs.
A bundle of lawyers he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pusher peddling his stash.
He spoke not a word, but drooled over Vixen,
Filled the stockings, and got his licks in.
"In the game's interests", he solemnly noted,
Then back out the ballpark, he complicitly floated.
He bobbed in the sky, singing "Goodnight Ladies",
Then popped in midair on his passage to Hades.
But I heard players gush, as Jackie Robinson cringed...
"I got cash in my stocking, and look, a syringe!"