13 January 2009

Poll: We Apparently Dont Need More Signs

The considerable challenge of narrowing Daron Sutton's portfolio of annoying gameday mannerisms down to nine was rewarded with solid voter turnout in our latest poll, which asked, "What is Sutton's most annoying mannerism, phrase or characteristic?" Readers could - and often did - vote for more than one irritant, and I thank all who cast ballots.

The irksome winner (or loser), in a runaway, was:

"We need more signs!"

...a famously tired mainstay in the Diamondback play by play boy's self-referential bag of schtick. Fully two thirds of respondents loathe these daily, too cute by half japes with Mark Grace, an astonishing number for a baseball announcer - roughly equal to the plurality who feel President Bush is on the wrong track.

Forty percent cited Daron's "mischeivous" compulsion to blurt out computer assisted "answers" to each broadcast's play-at-home trivia question. Time has exposed this stale routine as not an entertainment at all, but an elaborate compulsion. It's now clear the unscripted uncertainty associated with an unanswered trivia tidbit makes Daron physically anxious. The trivia is not just "not his bag", the ensuing lack of broadcast structure appears incompatible with Sut's ability to professionally function. These questions, these lingering time bombs, must be diffused, each and every day, for his mental and physical well being. Painful to watch.

"Let's get some $!@#$RRRRUUUUUNNNSSSSSSSSS@#!$*!!", a contrived immaturity reminiscent of "WAASSSUPPP!!!" beer ads, masquerading as enthusiasm, ranked third. The shrill mania with which Sutton shreiks this phrase, during otherwise quiet breaks in the action, seems more consistent with misdosed medication than with the even less pleasant prospect Daron massages his dick to climax every half inning.

Appropriately tied for fourth are a pair of breathlessly misplaced odes to players, Doug Davis and Justin Upton, followed by "You BET he can!", another drug addiction and Daron's lazy fatness.

Official Poll results

"We need more signs" - 66%

Messing with the trivia questions 40%

"Let's get some ruuuuuns!!!" - 33%

Mawkish love affair with DD's cancer - 25%

"Mr Upton, it's an honor & privilege to call your games, sir" - 25%

Pretending to be kicking his smokless habit 17%

"You BET he can!" - 17%

his fatness - 17%

bringing up his dad, like he was a legit HOFer or something 8%

Song of the Day - The Joker (Steve Miller cover)


Russell said...

This is great. It allows me to be annoyed by Daron even when he's not on the air.

Jeff said...

Sutton hates you, Matt.

Thus you are made to suffer.

Matt said...

Yeah, I suppose I owe him a "What do you like about Daron?" poll. Doubt I can come up with 9 assets, but he's cheerful & knowledgeable and I'm sure has supporters.

Like Hawk Harrelson, most everyone has an opinion on Daron. Neither is what you would call "a background blender".