09 January 2009

This Week's Hacks

My little desert burg said, "I think I can, I think I can" and last week it finally did, inaugurating lite rail service after four years of construction in front of my mother's apartment. So we hopped aboard, the Missus, Jr Hax & Me - cuz we roll like that. Other riders appeared unfamilar with rail, or motion in general, as they lurched into fellow Phoenicians every time the train stopped - which was often. Light rail stops not only at stations, but for red lights, armadillos and gila monsters. It speeds up, however, for white pick ups.

Good thing for public transport though. Have you ever been peaceably driving along in your car, when all of a sudden the power steering vanishes, the dash battery light goes on the fritz, and your radiator needle, which hasnt budged since 1997, points hot and steamy, straight up, like a Harry Reems erection? If you do, here's my four word diagnosis:

Ser-Pen-Tine Belt

Fortunately, my serp was seized by goblins just after 11PM Tuesday night, in an eerily quiet city-center barrio, strewn with Safeway carts for my shopping convenience. It was there I had the opportunity to speak with triple AAA's emergency dispatch center:

AAA: Triple AAA roadside assistance, Are you in a safe location?

Me: [Pause]: So far. Yes.

AAA: What is your emergency?

Me: My car is spasming parts on the pavement...I need a tow. Goggles, possibly.

AAA: What is your account number?

Me: My lights dont work. I cant read the number on my card.

AAA: What is your name?

Me: Diamond Hacks.

AAA: Please hold...

[While on hold, three cats (two black) cross in front of the locked car]

AAA: Thank you for holding, Mr Hacks. What is your address?

Me: I live at...oh, do you mean where am I now?

AAA: Yes

Me: Well, I'm on...let's see...Mulberry, just west of Seventh Street.

AAA: And what would that address be?

Me: Well, I guess that would make it around 600 East Mulberry, 650 something like that...

AAA: Is that a residence or a business?

Me: Pardon?

AAA: Are you located at a residence or a business?

Me: I'm located in the remains of my car. Temporary residence, I guess.

AAA: What kind of building is 600 East Mulberry Street?

Me: 600 East Mulberry is an estimate. I cant see any building numbers. It's very dark and I'm inside a locked car. There's a big condo across the street, that I believe is white. Or possibly blue.
AAA: A condo? At 600 E Mulberry St?

Me: There's a condo complex across the street, with a bunch of cats running around.

AAA: Did you say there are cats at 600 E Mulberry?

Me: There are definitely cats...the address is a figment of my imagination.

AAA: Sir, in what city are you?

Me: Phoenix

AAA: And what state would that be?

Me: [long inhale] Ar-i-zona

AAA: Thank you. What is the Year, Make and Model of your car?

Me: It was a 1997 Ford Exploder

AAA: What color is the vehicle?

Me: Well, in broad daylight, it's white.

AAA: And in what direction is it pointed?

Me: The headlights and transmisson are pointed west.

AAA: Mr Hacks, it is now 11:01 PM. An assistance vehicle will be in your area by 12:01AM. If a vehicle doesnt arrive in that time, here is a reference number to facilitate our follow up service.

Me: I dont have a pen...or paper... or light.

AAA: It's four digits

Me: Thank you. That's very encouraging.

AAA: May I give you the reference number?

Me: Yes.

AAA: The reference number is 2105.

Me: May I read that back to you?

AAA: Alright.

Me: 2-1-0-5

AAA: Yes. Is there anything else I can help you with today, Mr Hacks?

Me: No, I believe I'm pointed in the right direction....

...me and Harry Reems.


In baseball news, still no new Mets blog titled Dauphin Status Chronic, a generous literary gift from RSBS's enigmatic counterpuncher, Allen Krause. If I gave a hoot about the Metsies, I'd start "DSC" myself....c'mon people!

Closer to home... the big header was two timer Jeff Moorad's abrupt withdrawl from The Lovely Morgan, all the while wooing our rival Padres. Fans of both teams seem delighted, despite The Republic's curious hagiography of Jeff (which got ripped locally). Russell over at AVS earned the last word on org dynamics regarding the status of Derrick Hall and Josh Byrnes.

I declined to watch bowl games with dumb names this January, which I'm now convinced is one of the seven habits of very succesful people. I quickly parlayed my valuable savings into finishing off the holiday chocolates, oversteeping tea and for the first time, smelling - really smelling - my own farts.

Condolences to avid Sooner rooter, Michael Norton; after four Gator football and hoops titles over the past several years, it's now official: Florida is a NATIONAL pain in the ass!

Song of the Day - Take The A Train (piano: Duke Ellington, breathtaking vocal: Ella Fitzgerald)


Jeff said...

I was expecting a clever post centering around a famous "side dish". Way to disappoint your readers, D'hacks.


Matt said...

[Grits teeth]