22 July 2009

Executive Weak

Disenchanted Diamondback fans (are there any other kind?) may look forward to a pair of hot, airy events this weekend. The hapless, cost-shedding Pirates are flying into sizzling Sky Harbor. And the hapless, fan-shedding Dbacks are launching "Executive Week" on FSN.

No, seriously. You cant make this stuff up. Under the guise of being responsive, even useful, to fans, Derrick Hall and selected spokesmen will commandeer literally hours of postgame air time to sell a disbelieving public on just how marvelous the organization is, from top to bottom. Wait, how silly of me. There is no bottom! It's one great big, continuous Circle of Success. I almost spoke out of turn.

It's hard to tell which is the more inexorable force. The Pirates shedding payroll every summer, or the Dbacks' shedding of fans with an increasingly tone deaf penchant for self-promotion. At least FAA regulations preclude the Bucs from jettisoning pricy veterans while their plane is in transit. The FCC provides no such temporary relief to Arizona fans, yearning for something approaching a normal baseball telecast - or a straightforward front office.

Here's what Hall will probably broadcast (and parenthetically, what he will not):

We've had some injuries (front office decisions arent to blame for the poor record)

We've lost some close games (and we've won close games. The overall record speaks for itself)

We're playing better than before ( a Little League team could play better than we were before)

Dan Haren can win the Cy Young (unlikely, but I'll wake you up every fifth day, just in case)

Mark Reynolds and Justin Upton have emerged (and we still stink)

We have the lowest prices in baseball (except for the Pirates and some other teams)

Fireworks every Friday night ( if it's not the least bit windy, which hardly ever happens on July evenings in Phoenix)

The All Star game is coming ( eventually, along with heat-related medical emergencies)

We're building the best spring training park ever (down the street from our benefactor's 240,000 sq ft casino).

We're doing it for the best fans in baseball ( the ones I recently criticized for disloyalty and not understanding the game).

Another self serving public relations blitz to distract from the unprofessional mess that is this season. Another crafted condescension by entrenched execs to massage their own unsatisfactory performance. Another day in Paradise Valley, Sedona Red style.


Russell said...

Nothing says great sport and great TV like an evening with "Cullen Maxey - Senior VP, Corporate Partnerships & Marketing".

Diamondhacks said...

Our first question comes from a Charles Rogers in Tempe:

As Senior VP, Marketing with Lexus, I've been more than impressed with the manner in which the Diamondbacks do business. They've been great partners, and we consider them a valued part of our Lexus family. My question for Cullen is, "How do you do it? What's your secret for being so fantastic?"

Russell said...

Wow Charles that's a tough question to start with! I guess we look to established companies who always ensure that the public get a great deal.One such company is Lexus, who I believe have numerous outlets in the Phoenix area and always offer great promotions and great service.

Jeff said...

Sounds like you need to make another visit to Derrick's office. Actually use the baseball bat this time.

Russell, what the hell happened to you? You pulled the plug on one of my favorite reads.

Matt said...

To his credit, Derrick didnt even mention injuries during his Exec Week cameo. I was shocked. He nailed seven of my other eight bullet points however.

When people know what you're gonna say beforehand, that's not a good sign. That's one reason your blog is so happenin' and mine could use a bit of a makeover :-)