23 September 2009

Understanding San Francisco

Jamaal here. Consistent with man's nature, baseball's western nationals measure themselves against the first place Dodjers, and Matt recently noted how the Diamondbacks shall finish below San Diego, but as Gay Area Giants prance into my adopted village, I am perplexed by a more ungodly standing.

How is it my glorious cobras slithered fifteen games beneath San Francisco's unholy, throbbing rear? No disrespect intended to Lincecum, Cain or the West's great sodomy capital, but San Francisco's just not very virtuous! Barry Zito rotates third, for the love of Allah, and the lineup resembles a bedeviled Falstaff and The Seven Dwarves. How could my team, sporting stoic heroes like Garland and Drew, flag so badly?

For one thing, Sugar Cain is sweeter than we Arizonans generally perceive. His 5.16 ERA vs the Diamondbacks is easily his worst slice of the candy. Zito the deceptive Italian, is not quite pasta his prime. [joke] Did you know Zito's gang from 'Queer 39' is 17-14 in his starts? Merely one notch shy of hirsute Dan Haren (18-13)? For comparison, Arizona plays a paltry 12-20 behind our sinister south hand, Doug Davis.

Besides sodomy and frivilous pursuits, San Franciscans engage in more sacrifice flies and hits than do their austere desert counterparts. Bengie Molina, another Italian, retires base stealers slightly better than countryman Montero - the weakest armed Tuscan Musketeer. Yet all this doesnt explain the vast chasm between the two sides.

I noticed on b-ref.com an alarming disparity in "Defensive Efficiency". Giants second? Vipers 14th? Surely that signifies performance issues among men. A similar gulf between the American "bull-pens", as Bochy's bowlers retire batsmen with frequency, whereas Hinch's hurlers do not.

Perhaps our local nine's bent standing, facing up at San Fran derrieres, is not so perplexing, after all.


Diamondhacks said...

J - pls email me at azdiamondhacks@yahoo.com

Russell said...

Jamaal- your references to the sexuality of the Giants undermines your argument (not to mention making you seem insecure in your own sexuality).

PAUL said...

How many times do I hafta tell you? Numbers are the cigarettes of the sports world----they're not good for ya!!!!

jamaal said...


No, no, no. I am very secure in the sex. I have the sex of ten American men.

Diamondhacks said...

If you're going to San Francisco, you're gonna meet some gentle people there. Unfortunately, I'm afraid the Giants arent quite as gentle as you presume.

They play good defense and have the best pitching in the league. I'm not even sure the hitting is worse than ours, like a quick glance at OPS might indicate.

For example, the closer a game is, the worse we hit. The Giants are exactly the opposite, and indeed hit better than AZ with RISP and 2 outs.

Chris Young is the personification of this. He hits .206 overall, but only .156 with RISP, and .133 with RISP and 2 outs. It's performances like that which separate the clubs.