03 May 2010

Houston, Tenemos Una Problema

Dear Astros,

Mayday. Events are spinning out of control in Arizona. People from other places dont wanna play with us. I've convinced customers we've got a 'championship-style' team, but the truth is our brick red juggernaut cant seem to get off the ground either.

So, here's where you come in, amigo. Aside from the Pirates, who we hosted before the storm, we hear you're the worst team in the National League. Heck, Mark Reynolds and Kelly Johnson each have as many homers (9) as your whole roster.

We were wondering, if it wouldnt be too much trouble, if we could play you? At your place, of course. Dont worry, we're not going to profile anyone, unless Mr Oswalt cares to spend a few uncomfortable moments with Mark McClune.

As our record indicates, we're very beatable. Please advise Fat Elvis to swing with impugnity from his power side, since we employ not a single lefty. And we rarely field our best players together in the same games.

If that's not enough to incent Houston's large Latino population to visit your fine facility, consider our entertaining bullpen and manager trainee with skin as white and tough as porcelain. As an organization, we never advocate racial profiling, but just between you and me, your swarthier fans could have alot of fun with that.

We'll try to be as accomodating as possible. If there's anything else we can do to make your homestand a frenzied success, please dont hesitate to play us.

Your revenue sharing partners,
The Arizona Diamondbacks


Russell said...

I've noticed that before games Hinch is now being requested by the umpires to produce paperwork to verify the legality of his squad.

Presumably this is based on the "reasonable suspicion" that none of the bullpen are actually professional baseball players.

Gary said...


Diamondhacks said...


lol. have you ever considered writing a baseball blog?


Si se puede!