06 October 2010

2010 Hackies

LIVE- from Diamondhacks' beautifully paneled conference facility on the shores of Otsego Lake, not far from the National Baseball Hame of Fall, it's the 2010 Diamond Hacks Awards! Known near and far as "Hackies", few presents impart the honor, privilege and just plain F-U-N of these pewter plated prizes.

The Devon White "Most Outstanding Player": Kelly Johnson

The Gonzo "Best Hitter" Award: Dan Haren

The Suzi Quatro "Stumblin In" Citation: Back to back to back to back

The Eric Byrnes "Most Offensive Hitter": Gerardo Parra

The Oddjob Trophy: Matt William

The Entire No Hitter From The Stretch Award: Edwin Jackson

The Steve Finley "I'm With Leather" Decoration: Chris Young

Most Inadvisable Front Office Remark: "We think we're close to having a championship-style team". --Derrick Hall, ARIZONA REPUBLIC, 4/22/10

Best Ex-Diamondback: Carlos Gonzalez

Best Pure Rookie: Barry Enright

Smartest Player: Rodrigo Lopez

The Chili With Stephen Recognition: None

Derrick Hall Selfless Tool of Humanity Loving Cup: Derrick Hall

The Randy Johnson "Best Pitcher": Ian Kennedy

The Jackie Robinson "Best Athlete"(Open division): Edwin Jackson, JUp

The Jackie Jensen "Best White Athlete": Kirk Gibson

The Adam LaRoche Best Second Half Award: Daniel Hudson, Stephen Drew

Worst Haircut

David Copperfield Illusion Award: Brandon Webb & Jonathan Maurer

The Scottish-American "Dumbest Race": Legends Race

Oprah's "Slowest Runner" Selection of the Month(every month): Adam LaRoche

The Max Scherzer "Hard To Look At" Award: Dontrelle Willis, Dr Michael Brown (retired)

The Friday Fireworks "Best Promo of the Year": Cullen Maxey Bobblehead

Charles Dickens' "A Tale of Two Seasons": Juan Gutierrez

The Jandek "Hardest To Listen To" Award: Daron Sutton, Derrick Hall
The Daryl "Best Ballpark Vendor" Award: Daryl

AJ's Signature Accomplishment: 7.5 games out of fourth place - in May.

The Alberto Callaspo "Nasty Controversy" Honor: SB1070/ASG Boycott

Best Stadium Improvement: Elbow room

The Fat Bastard Lifetime Achievement Award: Todd Walsh

The Jan Brewer "Most Painfully Overdue Removal": AJ Hinch

The "Sparky Anderson Bullshit" Award: Kirk Gibson

The AJ Hinch "Lamest Promotion Ever": Uptown

The Rod Allen "Second Lamest Promotion Ever": Mel Stottlemyre Jr

The Bill Bidwill "Owner Oozing Financial Responsibility"Award: Earl "Ken" Kendrick

The Betty Crocker "Fudge Brownie" Award: 2,056,697 alleged paid attendance

Most Likely To Balk In A Winning Run: Esmerling Vasquez

Daron Sutton's Most Embarrassing Moment: Broadcasting


Russell said...

I was sad to miss out on attending the ceremony, but the whole paparrazzi dodging charade becomes tiresome after a while!

All in all it's been a great season with only the on field (and off field) fiascos detracting from the overall sense that this is a club very much on the way up!

Diamondhacks said...

Erin Andrews asked where you were. Twice actually. Once as the awards lagged into their second hour, and again at the after party, out on the cabin cruiser.

First she asked if I "knew" you, so I said "kind of". Out on the lake, after a dew drinks, she whispered in my ear, "Tell Russell Arizona via Slough was hottt!"

So, consider yourself told. And try to make it next year.

Russell said...

I'm sick of Andrews. She's dead to me.