This Week's Hacks

Though most of Wrigley's weekend allotment of oxygen was consumed and expelled by motormouth as of Friday afternoon, at least seething Snake fans could flip to WGN's Len Kasper and Bob Brenly for welcome fresh air. They talk. They shut up. You can hear game sounds, the fans! They talk some more. Then shut up again. It's like two intelligent people, thinking in real time before they impose on listeners.

Between pauses, Brenly offered how Hinch's hire upended Arizona's clubhouse. Bob all but nominated Chip Hale post facto; the main point being Hale nurtured our core on a daily basis in Tucson. Brenly also ripped into Cubs' first inning preparedness, charging Pinella's team hasnt looked ready to play all week, and volunteered several players are already cleaning out their lockers.

Daron or Grace will rattle on for innings to do Derrick Hall's bidding, whereas Brenly makes incisive, equal opportunity critiques in thirty seconds or less. He and Kasper respect that the game always trumps personal ego or an owner's agenda.

Dbackers didnt see much of bats this year, but we plan to see plenty of bats tonight.

ASU football lost to Oregon State's Beavers, in Tempe, for the first time since 1969. USA Today ranks Peoria's undefeated Centennial High, sixth nationally. That might be a decent matchup.

The barely solvent NHL Coyotes solved the Kings just fine at Staples Center, ruining LA's home opener 6-3. Spirited forechecking and a sense of urgency are evident under the new coach. What a great story if the 'Yotes rose from near extinction to inspire the Valley. Even if Todd Walsh has to tell it:

"Godspeed, Coyotes. Godspeed."

This Week's Hacks

After Friday's intimate hypnosis, 30,000 rushed The Lovely Morgan turnstiles Saturday, in pursuit of Augie Ojeda bobbleheads that never arrived.

Then some 'irresponsible' kid named Mulvey, who 'didnt execute pitches' hurled the financially responsible Dbacks to their eighth loss in nine lies ( I cant bring myself to call them actual tries).


Speaking of tries, Chief Exaggerator/Obfuscator Derrick Hall rather audaciously took issue with a fan who labeled 2009 a "rebuilding year", on the apparent grounds plummeting out of contention and flipping one's roster represented sound club strategy all along. Diamondhacks pioneered making fun of our CE/O's cheesy indoctrinations, and the Valley's evidently followed suit. Get a load of Hall's latest post chat feedback. Ouch.

So there's fake vision and motives. Fake promotions. Fake major league baseball. Valley interest is so low that FSNAZ bumped Saturday's gamecast in favor of egregious and locally irrelevant Idaho - Washington football. Perhaps AJ Hinch's development exhibitions still warrant a boxscore in the morning paper.

Friday night, the wife and I endured a steambath HS rivalry clash that drew almost half what the Dbacks mustered downtown. Without air conditioning or the false promise of bobbleheads.

This morning we had a yard sale and realized less than half our normal gross. The economy? The heat? Waning interest in my hastily scattered, overpriced bric a brac? Nah. My wife noticed we had fewer Mexican families pile out of old cars, and we think that's the reason. They often buy a ton of kid's clothes and toys, and I guess many have returned to Mexico, for a variety of reasons. I feel a letter to my Congressman coming on.

Dear Honorable_________,

As a tax paying citizen and old white guy, I feel it incumbent on you to ensure that someone buy my old crap.

Regards

This Week's Hacks

Going to the Super Bowl and inaugurating black Presidents is all well and good, but the biggest buzz around town this week has to be D. Baxter's arrest for extreme DUI. Surely our mischievous Top Cat, clocked at 95 on the outer loop in a company car, after smoking pot with a BAC twice the legal limit, wasnt what the Dream Team had in mind when they sought to drive home an aggressive new identity. Really, I have no immediate issue with Baxter's dismissal - this is one messed up cat - although I was stirred and shaken that The Republic chose to treat the anonymous, low wage sot inhabiting the mascot costume as a public figure, open to major metropolitan ridicule usually reserved for his employers.

Speaking of impairment, alleged Patriot Rush Limbaugh bluntly embraced his democratically mandated President, sulking: "I hope he fails". The cocooned drug addict culminated his comedy routine by curtly blaming liberalism for where "we" are today. Liberalism? Heh. Say what you want about Obama's specific policies, but in Limbaugh can there be a more indulged or tortured demagogue who, even in a time of national crises, despises bipartisan pragmatism more than he supposedly loves his country?

My poop on the inaugural address can be found here.

Not sure what to add about our football Cardinals. I guess today's observation is that Edgerrin James runs like a fairy. I know he's old and had 73 yards Sunday, but it's astonishing to consider Edge is 11th All Time in NFL rushing yardage after watching him run nowadays. He prances to avoid contact, even at the expense of yards, and often looks like he's going down intentionally, like a sliding QB at the end of a scramble.

It's no coincidence that on the Cards' two biggest plays of the NFC Championship game - the fourth and one from midfield, and the third and goal screen pass from the Eagles' nine, the ball was given to Tim Hightower each time - with Edge nowhere in sight. The fourth and one sweep could have ended Arizona's remarkable season, but Hightower sidestepped debris and was able to turn the corner. On the touchdown screen, he followed blockers before butting helmets with an Eagle back at the two, barely stumbling into the end zone. Edge doesnt make that play in a million years. Perhaps neither play. Smart coach.

ASU men beat Arizona in Tucson despite a miserable shooting night, clanking wide open threes like a junior high squad. Does that make them a good team, or not so good - the fact they won on the road on a really bad night? The erratic shooting has become a nagging characteristic of this team, as has C Jeff Pendergraph's early foul trouble. Sendek's zone defense is solid, but there's little athletic depth here. The inability of Harden's teammates to convert his glorious feeds has grown into something of a joke in our house. If they shoot well, ASU's capable of beating all but a few tems in the country, but I just dont see them putting a meaningful tournament run together. The shooting is just too sporadic, and they lack redundancy (depth) when things dont go well.

Our condolences to the loved ones of Tommy Jones, an upbeat Director of Player Development for Colangelo's Dbacks, who passed away this week. He was also briefly a first base coach.

Finally, here's my All Time Alphabet Team, spurred on by AZ Snakepit. Twenty five man positional roster, twenty five available letters (all but 'x') - one for each surname. Only the closer can have 50+ career saves. Them's the rules:

C - Yogi Berra
1B - Jimmie Foxx
2B - Napolean Lajoie
SS - Honus Wagner
3B - Mike Schmidt
LF - Rickey Henderson
CF - Willie Mays
RF - Babe Ruth

Reserve C: Joe Torre
Reserve CI: Darrell Evans
Reserve MI: Arky Vaughan
Reserve OF: Top Cat
Reserve OF: Hank Aaron

SP#1 - Walter Johnson
SP#2 - Lefty Grove
SP#3 - Satchel Paige
SP#4 - Cy Young
SP#5 - Sandy Koufax

Loogy: Jesse Orosco
RP#1 - Brendan Donnelly
RP#2 - Jeff Innis
RP#3 - Paul Quantrill
RP#4 - Jeff Zimmerman
Setup - Jeff Nelson
Closer - Ugueth Urbina

Can you do better? Go on. I dare you.

*****************

Song of the Day - Top Cat

This Week's Hacks

My little desert burg said, "I think I can, I think I can" and last week it finally did, inaugurating lite rail service after four years of construction in front of my mother's apartment. So we hopped aboard, the Missus, Jr Hax & Me - cuz we roll like that. Other riders appeared unfamilar with rail, or motion in general, as they lurched into fellow Phoenicians every time the train stopped - which was often. Light rail stops not only at stations, but for red lights, armadillos and gila monsters. It speeds up, however, for white pick ups.

Good thing for public transport though. Have you ever been peaceably driving along in your car, when all of a sudden the power steering vanishes, the dash battery light goes on the fritz, and your radiator needle, which hasnt budged since 1997, points hot and steamy, straight up, like a Harry Reems erection? If you do, here's my four word diagnosis:

Ser-Pen-Tine Belt

Fortunately, my serp was seized by goblins just after 11PM Tuesday night, in an eerily quiet city-center barrio, strewn with Safeway carts for my shopping convenience. It was there I had the opportunity to speak with triple AAA's emergency dispatch center:

AAA: Triple AAA roadside assistance, Are you in a safe location?

Me: [Pause]: So far. Yes.

AAA: What is your emergency?

Me: My car is spasming parts on the pavement...I need a tow. Goggles, possibly.

AAA: What is your account number?

Me: My lights dont work. I cant read the number on my card.

AAA: What is your name?

Me: Diamond Hacks.

AAA: Please hold...


[While on hold, three cats (two black) cross in front of the locked car]


AAA: Thank you for holding, Mr Hacks. What is your address?

Me: I live at...oh, do you mean where am I now?

AAA: Yes

Me: Well, I'm on...let's see...Mulberry, just west of Seventh Street.

AAA: And what would that address be?

Me: Well, I guess that would make it around 600 East Mulberry, 650 something like that...

AAA: Is that a residence or a business?

Me: Pardon?

AAA: Are you located at a residence or a business?

Me: I'm located in the remains of my car. Temporary residence, I guess.

AAA: What kind of building is 600 East Mulberry Street?

Me: 600 East Mulberry is an estimate. I cant see any building numbers. It's very dark and I'm inside a locked car. There's a big condo across the street, that I believe is white. Or possibly blue.
AAA: A condo? At 600 E Mulberry St?

Me: There's a condo complex across the street, with a bunch of cats running around.

AAA: Did you say there are cats at 600 E Mulberry?

Me: There are definitely cats...the address is a figment of my imagination.

AAA: Sir, in what city are you?

Me: Phoenix

AAA: And what state would that be?

Me: [long inhale] Ar-i-zona

AAA: Thank you. What is the Year, Make and Model of your car?




Me: It was a 1997 Ford Exploder

AAA: What color is the vehicle?

Me: Well, in broad daylight, it's white.

AAA: And in what direction is it pointed?

Me: The headlights and transmisson are pointed west.

AAA: Mr Hacks, it is now 11:01 PM. An assistance vehicle will be in your area by 12:01AM. If a vehicle doesnt arrive in that time, here is a reference number to facilitate our follow up service.

Me: I dont have a pen...or paper... or light.

AAA: It's four digits

Me: Thank you. That's very encouraging.

AAA: May I give you the reference number?

Me: Yes.

AAA: The reference number is 2105.

Me: May I read that back to you?

AAA: Alright.

Me: 2-1-0-5

AAA: Yes. Is there anything else I can help you with today, Mr Hacks?

Me: No, I believe I'm pointed in the right direction....


...me and Harry Reems.

******************************

In baseball news, still no new Mets blog titled Dauphin Status Chronic, a generous literary gift from RSBS's enigmatic counterpuncher, Allen Krause. If I gave a hoot about the Metsies, I'd start "DSC" myself....c'mon people!

Closer to home... the big header was two timer Jeff Moorad's abrupt withdrawl from The Lovely Morgan, all the while wooing our rival Padres. Fans of both teams seem delighted, despite The Republic's curious hagiography of Jeff (which got ripped locally). Russell over at AVS earned the last word on org dynamics regarding the status of Derrick Hall and Josh Byrnes.

I declined to watch bowl games with dumb names this January, which I'm now convinced is one of the seven habits of very succesful people. I quickly parlayed my valuable savings into finishing off the holiday chocolates, oversteeping tea and for the first time, smelling - really smelling - my own farts.

Condolences to avid Sooner rooter, Michael Norton; after four Gator football and hoops titles over the past several years, it's now official: Florida is a NATIONAL pain in the ass!

**********
Song of the Day - Take The A Train (piano: Duke Ellington, breathtaking vocal: Ella Fitzgerald)

This Week's Hacks

For anyone wondering what MLB's doing with that $6 billion dollars of theirs, here's part of the answer - a $50 million TV mega studio, across the Hudson in relatively low rent Secaucus, where Harold Reynolds can shag right on the set! This unpleasant excess is surpassed only by Mark Newman's dutiful orgasm gushing over the pay cable facility. That, and the fact it's named 'in honor' of Jackie Robinson. Barf.

Raffy Furcal dodged the Braves to become a Dodger, and became something of a coward in Atlanta - home of the Braves. My head hurts.

Our Dbacks quietly released four scrubs - Robby Hammock, Chris Burke, Jeff Salazar and Will Ledezma - saving about $2 million towards 2009's incredible, shrinking payroll. Hammock was best known for catching Randy Johnson's 2004 perfecto and for sobbing after making the MLB roster out of camp last spring. Salazar made 2007's most memorable defensive play, soaring over Chase's right field fence to rob a homer. Chris Burke, acquired in the Jose Valverde dump, will be remembered as an unbelievably unproductive fill-in. I do not recall Will Ledezma.

Congratulations to Chandler Hamilton, Arizona's best high school football team, on winning their fourth 5A title in six years.To runner up Brophy, the best conditioned team in the state, which fought from a 1-3 September, and a 17-0 deficit in the championship to within a first down of stealing their third title in four years, we respectfully say: Hoka Hey.

On their way to the title tilt, Brophy also met Gilbert Highland, a school reeling from the sudden loss of band member Kelly Tracy. In the days prior to the game, Brophy students raised several thousand dollars to help defray funeral expenses. At the game, both teams entered the stadium somberly, hand in hand, eschewing the usual sprint through posterboard. In the third quarter, Brophy's small band met Highland's larger one, near an end zone and, in a show of solidarity, perfomed Highland's fight song together.

Two unsusual sights in the park near my house. After walking my dog hundreds of times past hundreds of jackrabbits, we saw our first fox; Gray Fox by name, more of a rust by actual color. Also, a homelsss man, in the undeveloped eastern ell of the park. He has a chair and quite a few belongings, and looks to be hunkered down for a while.

Getting a Christmas tree today. It will be a small one.

**************

Song of the Day - Hoka Hey

This Week's Hacks

This week's ledger indicates we gots:

Felipe Lopez - 3.5M
Augie Ojeda - 700K
Scott Schoeneweis - 2M
James Skelton - rule 5

and lost:

Orlando Hudson
Adam Dunn
Juan Cruz
Randy Johnson (probably)
Brandon Lyon
Connor Robertson

...and lost out on:

Mark Loretta / Ramon Vazquez
Arthur Rhodes




Does this spell twilight for the Arizona franchise? I'm actually more hopeful than most, that some sizable checks are still forthcoming, hence the parenthetical 'probably' next to Unit. No less an authority than Earl Kendrick crows:

"We’re feeling pretty good about our revenues” and "I think we have a little more flexibility to make deals than maybe what’s being reported as of now."

Good news, I guess, but the intriguing bit in Bordow's article is this:

Arizona, according to a source, has approximately $15 million to spend, whether it be in free agency or trades. Kendrick would not confirm the figure.

The FO forcefully contradicted this contention in The Republic:

Club officials scoffed at a published report that said the Diamondbacks have $15 million to spend this off-season. They indicated that the team likely has something closer to half that available.

The $15 million question is this: Who was Scott Bordow's source for the $15M figure? I'll give you three guesses.

Josh Byrnes?

Bad answer. Way too smart to show his hand like that.

Someone like Moorad or Woodfork?

Doubtful, considering Bordow hasnt quoted either elsewhere in any article for quite some time (ie there's little evidence he's even recently spoken to them).

Who has Bordow talked to recently? Indeed, who is the only Diamondback source quoted by Bordow in the past week, in any capacity whatsoever?

Ding! Ding! Ding! Earl Kendrick. We have a winner.

This is an old reporter's trick, when a source divulges confidential information, then threatens to walk out of an interview if you attribute it. To save the relationship, a reporter will distance the stoolie and say "Kendrick would not confirm the figure". Which is absolutely true, and is what I believe happened here. Again, Mr Kendrick has a rather loquacious history, and if not Earl, what other highly placed source would've ( or logistically could've ) provided this figure to Bordow?

********************

Frank Rich cautions against submitting to elitists, and spanks Robert Rubin pretty soundly in the process. At a time when the mob is keen to blame Bush and Cheney for the failure of fantasy league teams, it's refreshing to hear an influental liberal really rip into his own party's self-interested excesses. Good for Rich. Good for the poor and the middle, too.

Are we on the cusp of a great depression? At first, I thought it silly, because our economy is more diversified - and institutions more insured - than in 1929, but each day I grow more troubled at the prospect. The lesser reason is that we've grown fat and lazy as a culture. We can mitigate that, somewhat. The daunting structural reality, compared to 1929, is largely beyond our control, however. The rest of the world is changing faster and more productively than we are, and I'm increasingly skeptical we can keep up. The protected illusions of Detroit (which we've all sensed for thirty years) and Wall Street (which I've been dubious about for fifteen), are almost staring us in the face now. We can either confront them head on and suffer significant dislocation, or suffer doubly with our cherished fantasies.

*** Yesterday, I heard tapping on my roof and went outside to investigate. About twenty orange segments lay on the shingles. Of more concern, about five citrus throwing kids - nine or ten years old - were playing on my neighbor's pitched roof with no adult in sight. Inside the home, when confronted, the middle-aged nanny cheerily explained, "Oh! It's roof day."

To be followed by "pink slip" day, if I have anything to say about it.

************

Song of the Day - Up On The Roof (The Emburys)

Biannual Hacks

Prompted by my editor's shameless, once-every-blue-moon schedule, Biannual Hacks is the new, improved (and legally facesaving) installment of This Week's Hacks, a seminal feature of this page that swept the national blogging community off its cyberfeet the way John McCain recently swept through north Philly and Gary, Indiana.

Not going to catch up on five heartpounding months of Diamondback news in one post, but suffice for now that the club acquired Adam Dunn at considerable expense of personnel and treasure, collapsed down the stretch anyway - handing baseball's worst division to a hated rival - then declined Dunn 2009 arbitration, forcing their most (and arguably only) premier position player to freely walk away, without the usual pair of highly prized, compensatory draft picks. This, as best I can tell, because the Diamondbacks were terrified of even the prospect of paying their best player a partial year's salary approaching [gasp!] market value!!!

Local fans sound dislocated and uniformly glum, as gullible hopes of a cutting edge, Moneyball-style dynasty crash all around them. This page, never one to fall prey to the front office Dream Team's hucksterism, isnt nearly so fraught with sudden pessimism. In our eyes, these latest, competitive concessions reflect business as usual, albeit accelerated somewhat by the recession.

Phoenix incurred our first light rail accident, on a practice run three weeks prior to the train's official rollout. The new signals and tracks along Central Ave, meandering between the median and curb of the line's main artery, are distracting enough, without actual trains barreling through on them at 35 MPH. I voted for light rail, and hope it suceeds, but the impact of 100,000 pound boxcars on the most oblivious driving populace of any large American city, promises to be more than metaphorical.

Now that my off brand speakers are functional (after a year or so of brand name deafness), let this post herald a breathtakingly new (and loud) feature at this reactionary and incompetent portal -Song of the Day! We'll kick it off with this deliciously inventive, mid century instrumental from, perhaps, America's sleepiest composer.

It's good to be back, good to be awake. There's lots to talk about.

This Week's Hacks

Big Brown accelerates like Deion Sanders, his trainer woofs like Deion, and I'm glad they didnt win. Not because Dutrow and the owners are jerks, but because racing immortality should be earned and the Belmont field was lamer than Barbaro. Dont let Secretariat's 31 lengths fool you - he demolished some fine thoroughbreds - and Affirmed was stalked by another champion.

Speaking of athletes with crap for competition, a look at today's standings reveals the real price of the Dbacks' tailspin. By losing thirteen of nineteen (that's a .315 clip, folks), the Dbacks have democratized MLB's worst division from an April landslide to a two party battle in May, to a four way free for all in June. The all but forgotten Padres have reeled off five in a row and find themselves 6.5 out with a hundred to play - the Giants, uniformly ridiculed this spring, are a mere five games back.

Watch out for Kerry Wood. He whizzed through the ninth at Dodger Stadium Sunday, with a free and easy motion tossing 98. Bad news for the National League.

Thanks to Price Waterhouse, I have the names of both VP candidates. The envelope please. For the Democrats: Jim Webb. And for the Grand Old Party: Carly Fiorina. I think it'll be tough for McCain to win with another Republican man on the ticket; he has to attract a sizable chunk of the women's vote. Obama should resist the overwhelming temptation to select a like minded woman, like AZ Governor Janet Napolitano, and seek out military gravitas instead. Why? Because under the harsh light of a presidential campaign, in the crucible of televised debates fighting for the nation's substantial midsection, Webb > Fiorina, but Fiorina > Napolitano.

Last Week's Hacks

Two months ago, egged on by the usual suspects from the Dbacks sales department, local fanboys gushed how the West was the league's best division - some went so far as to call it the best division in baseball. One month ago, after just two squads managed to win half their games, Mark Grace conceded he was wrong. Today, only AZ and LA among the NL Worst are playing even .400 ball. Three of baseball's four worst teams reside in the division and Arizona's strength of schedule currently ranks 29th of 30 teams.

Trolling along at 10-13 in May, the Diamondbacks must win four of five to maintain their league leading streak of consecutive (7) non losing months. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim own MLB's longest current run (10), and with only four more months of winning will likely eclipse the length of their official team name.

Leave it to Doug Davis to rebound from thyroid surgery ahead of schedule with an impressive win that is overshadowed by some east coast "cancer fighter" who chucks a no hitter. Doug prefers it that way and so do I.

What's wrong with Diamondback hitters? As a group, they swing too hard, too high and too often. Maybe they can find a hitting coach, like Kevin Seitzer, to teach them to take the ball the other way. Like Augue Ojeda and Chipper Jones. What was the NL's top offense in April is now sixth or seventh for the season. The pitching (128 ERA+), even after Webb's latest losses, is still head and shoulders above the league. Fragile, elderly Randy Johnson whiffed ten Braves on Saturday in just six innings.

Grace and Sutton cleaned up their schtick for Johnson's start, Saturday's national Fox Game of the Week - and sounded like actual baseball announcers. Speaking of Grace, I agree with discounting suspected steroid users when it comes to Hall of Fame induction, but no amount of creative suspicion can reasonably catapult Grace into Cooperstown. The Hall is for great players and Mark Grace was never that, as evidenced by placing no higher than 13th in any MVP voting - despite considerable popularity fueled by WGN broadcasts prior to the explosion of cable TV. Mark carved out a very solid career at first base with two tools - as did JT Snow, John Olerud and many others who dont deserve induction.

Chris Snyder and Brandon Webb, a pair of white southerners, spoofed Saturday's pregame lineup, ridiculing Orlando Hudson and Migeul Montero's English enunciation in the process. My favorites were Conor "All Eyebrow Team" Jackson, Mark "Roger Dorn" Reynolds, and Justin "I Missed My 8th Grade Dance To Play Today" Upton.

Not only was Byrnes' Sunday slam the first of his career, it was also the second slam yielded by Glavine in 366 at bats with the bases jammed. (Something tells me that 366 included alot of starting pitchers.) The Glavine/Livan axiom about pitching around top tier hitters, which they've both exploited with great overall success, got trumped Sunday by the adage about getting burned by pitching with men on base all the time. In truth, both axioms are valid.

Perish the thought that a Memorial Day game might feature a pregame ceremony or fly by, an announcer's admonishment to remember fallen soldiers, and then on with the ballgame. Today, a baseball telecast is sufficient justification for an inning by inning glorification of the U.S. military, courtesy of FSNAZ and your Arizona Diamondbacks. Why, if you didnt know any better, you'd swear our volunteer force was at war, fighting for freedom, democracy, and our very way of life! Lengthy split screen interviews with military personnel, including one with a color guard champion that amounted to little more than a recruiting segment - in the middle of a ballgame.

A colonel was actually able to get a revealing word in edegwise, between Grace and Sutton fumbling over one another to laud him for his chosen career choice the prerequisite half dozen times. He made a special point to thank Daron's "organization" for providing much appreciated baseball quipment to his troops back in Kosovo in 1999. That was, of course, the Colangelo "organization" - the one that, as far as I know, never publicized their donation - they certianly never revolved a game telecast around it. Colangelo wasnt above blowing his own horn from time to time, but nobody blows it like these guys.

Ingratiating "reporter" Mark McCune has improved to the point where his standups with players and fans are less annoying than Todd Walsh's self indulgent, insider monologues. Mark's still very awkward behind the desk, but he's done some homework and improved as a sideline reporter.

Saw "Indiana Jones and The Pre Columbian, Post Plausible Kingdom of Steve & George's Fossilized Skulls". I get it's supposed to be "fake", but when a franchise trades silly plausibility on a human scale for two hours of ridiculous death cheating CGI (Computer Generated Impossibility), the needed stage for empathetic entertainment evaporates and an important connection to vicarious viewers is lost.

For example, Indy might've survived the nuclear test blast by locking himself into an air tight fridge. This unadorned macho feat would've given The Most Interesting Man In The World a serious run for his dinero, but Speilberg and Lucas got greedy, or lazy, and demanded their middle aged professor emerge from his appliance's CGI enhanced trajectory and cartoonishly rocky landing with nary a scratch. It's meant in fun, but it's disheartening that mindful adventure fans are asked to buy this - and several other stunts - on any level. CGI driven storylines can rob the viewer of genuine suspense and here transfigure the famously resourceful human protagonist into a distant God that doesnt bleed. I could've easily hopped theatres to watch Hancock toss a beached whale a nautical mile instead, but prefer to cling to the ideal that the best cinematic "escapism" is still tethered to recognizable behavior and believable human response.

TWH (This Week's Hacks)

• Today Brandon Webb became the first pitcher since Andy Hawkins to win each of his first nine starts to open a season. Hawkins, who also lost a no hitter 4-0, and is the only Padre ever to win a World Series game, won his first ten starts in 1985.

• Despite making four miscues in Webb's start, the Dbacks swept Colorado, recapturing some mojo and baseball's best record, at 26-15. The NL Champion Rockies are 11 back. Arizona's expected W/L, based on runs scored and allowed, is the major's second best, behind the Cubs.

• Last week it was a pleasure watching the Dbacks on WGN. Len Kasper and Bob Brenly do a terrific job balancing banter while calling the game and both exude a natural, easygoing charm largely absent in the histrionic Phoenix booth. We all like to moan about announcers we hate, but I guess one of the tests for me is asking, "Would I enjoy sitting next to this guy at the ballpark?" Assume he's not a celebrity, just a regular guy conversing as he does on the broadcast. Would he be fun or informative to sit next to? Would he invite discussion or dominate the conversation? I could be totally wrong, but I feel like Brenly or Kasper would be enjoyable company, whereas Grace and Sutton might have some high points but would wear out their welcome sooner, craving the center of attention.

• The boy graduated 8th grade today with a dozen classmates. The teachers hosted a well scripted, funny 90 minute production roasting the grads and performing skits for the parents. Most of the kids have been there a long time, my son since the first grade. There are, I suppose, many good ways to evaluate the merits of a school. Test scores. High school placements and so on. At this event, all the parents showed up and laughed with the kids as teachers portrayed each child's endearing warts with laser precision. Then the slide show progressing across the years, set to that damn Seinfeld song, "I Hope You Had The Time Of Your Life". Then it was over, the boys became suddenly quiet and the girls cried. All six of them. That's good enough for me.

This Week's Hacks

Since no one's communicated an interest in trading sex for the 2001 World Series Collector's Edition (hey, that's a $70 value!), I'm resigned to writing a good faith review and shipping the DVD septet to one of you chaste holdouts any day now.

Despite the fact Doug Davis's thyroid is being monitored for malignancies, doctor's have declared him cancer free. The great news is the cancer hasnt spread, but that doesnt sound exactly cancer "free" to me. Sounds more like MLBlogs: kinda free, hasnt spread.



The Sedona Reds still rank 13th in NL attendance, even after Met and Philly minions invaded Chase. Worse than it sounds, considering Pittsburgh and Cincinnati are dying markets and the bargain basement Marlins play in a sweltering football stadium. Number 1 in power rankings and, at least among reasonably competitive league markets, dead last in league attendance. Skeptics who feel fledgling Phoenix cant be reasonably competitive with attendance mainstays like the Mets and Cubs, should recall that during Colangelo's seven year run (1998-2004), Arizona outdrew the Cubs five times and the Mets every single year.


Despite questionable first inning defense Thursday, it's fun to watch what Webby can do with well above average run support. But he's the same old Brandon.

After today's loss at Wrigley, our AZstros are 3-5 in May, placing their month to month winning streak, currently at seven, in early jeopardy.





I loved Speed Racer as a boy, but have no desire to see the movie. I learned my lesson from Batman. Blech. I did recently learn, however, that the original Speed, with his scarf and pompadour, was modeled after this guy. Who knew?

This Week's Hacks

Endured Friday's Chase Field fireworks, although innately obnoxious Met fans were less audible than usual, apparently taking a welcome cue from their heroes' September gag. Jose Reyes was player of the game, but David Wright's all out sprint setting up his diving, back to the plate, over the shoulder grab in medium left was breathtaking. There's no way Mark Reynolds even touches that ball. No way.

The missus was similarly impressed with Derrick Hall's postgame fireworks, proclaiming them "almost as good as Disneyland". Most of the 35.6K stayed for the pyrotechnics, which earned hearty applause and took some sting out of Micah's limp and limping performance.

Finally took a stroll up, up, up to Derrick's "Sandlot In The Sky" and I've done a 180 on this. Initially, I thought the location was kind of a slap in the face, but it's actually pretty cute up there. The sandlot might be a bit smaller than the previous kid's area behind the batter's eye, but they've used space wisely and added a couple nice touches beyond the ubiquitous batting cage and wiffleball field. The concourse approach to this fun zone is well conceived, featuring real wood planks on the otherwise sterile concourse walls, evoking homemade fencing, and a gigantic, Mao-sized poster of a benevolent Webby overlooking the sandlot. Stadium organist Bobby Freeman is completely out in the open and accessible - not in a booth - so you can walk right up to him, ask questions and watch his fingers get 70 thousand hands clapping. That's really a great idea, something a kid might recall about "the good old days" of Chase Field thirty years from now, and distinguishes Chase from other ballparks.

The Dodgers, now just 3 games out, have fully recovered from their Chinese fishing expedition, reeling off seven in a row. Colorado has apparently yet to recover from their trips - to the World Series and jeweler's - the defending NL champs start May a startling 9 back.

Only the Dbacks and Angels can boast seven consecutive winning (.500 or above) months, begging the question whether such consistency reflects commonalities or even methodical, broad based formulas for success.

The Phoenix Suns would be better off without pleasantly deflective coach, Mike D'Antoni. Despite famously entertaining regular season runs, teams built around a pair of defensive ciphers have zero chance at an NBA title.

Like Kellia, I'll be giving away a free copy of the 2001 World Series Collector's Edition DVD set next week. Doubt if a writing contest will be involved, but we'll have some fun with it. Any distribution contests, schemes or japes are welcome.

This Week's Hacks

Even the Taliban would have to concede Erin Andrews has her public merits (thanks Jeff!), but this orange sweater straining against her glorious separation probably doesnt help the cause of woman sports reporters much.

Justin Upton is the National League's youngest player for the second consecutive year - and is still a year and a half younger than any other current NL player. He has an outside shot at becoming the second man ever to be his league's youngest for three consecutive seasons. The first was teenager, and eventual Hall of Famer, Mel Ott, from 1926 to 1928.

This isnt as funny as it initially sounds, but this is.

Diamondback stock may be a bit overvalued, with the 16-6 record, but there are, as they say, good fundamentals. Like last year, no NL team hits more sacrifice flies, but now that comes on top of slugging rather than in place of it. Also, second fewest GIDP (AZ 8, league average is 16) and fewest IP by relievers (AZ also led this category in 07). Fourth in SB%, even with an ailing Byrnes; team ranked 2nd last year.

In MLBlog news, Mark sounds desperate trying to get a single Dbacks blogger to review the 2001 World Series DVD set. It's funny for three reasons. One, the giveaway retails for $60 and not one Dback fan at MLBlogs wants to review (and keep!) it for free - not even with that coveted MLB.com byline! Two, it's funny because Arizona is the hottest team in baseball and there are no more Dback MLBloggers left! Three, it's funny because Foundry Communications(who distributes the commemorative DVDs) just found me on blogspot and sent me a pair, gratis, to review as I see fit, without any of Mark's explicit constraints. Oh, and the fourth funny thing is they'll probably get a better written, more persuasive review out of it than Mark ever will.

Finally, the kid just returned from his senior class trip to Catalina Island, which always reminds me of this lesser known Wrigley Field. More photos here.

Have a great weekend, everybody!

This Week's Hacks

All I remember about Jackie Robinson was 1972, when he died in a Connecticut suburb adjacent to ours. He was not a player I naturally warmed to, so old and serious, the ancient embodiment of adult injustice encroaching on my child's game. I remember Howard Cosell, somberly imparting what a monumental figure had left us. Cosell was, like me, from Brooklyn, and idolized ol' 42. The other thing I remember was how old Robinson looked, like a second term President. He was only fifty three.



It helps to be old, older than me, to really appreciate what Jackie Robinson and Branch Rickey did way back in 1947, less than two years after U.S. troops (many still segregated) stood up against at least the principle of ethnic cleansing, and eight years before Rosa Parks actually parked her rear on the front of that Mongomery bus. Even the NBA was all white. For Rickey to pull this off, he had to be right, and smarter than everyone else - and he was. As for Robinson, I never saw him play. My father had, at Ebbets Field, and said he was very good - but not as great as Hornsby.

MLB released quite a banquet of feel good homilies to their sacrificial lion, but none more meaty than this wonderfully hamfisted political screed from Mike Bauman. Enjoy!

While the Mets plan to honor Robinson at their new park, sadder news at their old one, the latest in a line of violent incidents at Shea. I'd document the trend, but cant summon the energy to rummage through MLBlogs for old drafts at the moment.

Speaking of MlBlogs, it needs to be noted that I can now create a sidebar link on my old blog! Ta da! That only took seventeen days. Why, it should be World Series time before Mark's crackerjack team:

• restores link list order capability (other than alphabetical)



• restores order capability within a given list



• restores the Tooltip option, so sidebars arent cluttered with unwanted text



• restores Display/Dont Display capability on Link Lists, so that Lists in Draft Status dont automatically display.



• restores image, caption and layout specifications on all photo albums created



• restores html functionality to enable widget basics like Site Meters, Team Schedules, Weather Icons and customized color and font coding.

And that's just the sidebar, folks.


The Dbacks have opened up MLB's largest lead (3.5 g), after taking the last four series against the NL West. Tonight, Arizona would seem to be heavy favorites over Greg Maddux and his lazy lidded Padres, who lost earlier today in the longest (and perhaps dullest) MLB game since 1993. San Diego exhausted six relievers over fourteen innings, but baseball is a funny game. Just when everything's going your way...boom!

Speaking of which, a young cocky Dbacks "Acct Executive" called yesterday, trying to sell me season tickets. Poor guy.

This Week's Hacks

• As if Arizona wasnt generating enough firepower, romantics should consider attending a Friday game, after which the club shoots fireworks, weather permitting. First, the show divides the throng exiting the park into two mini throngs, easing overall congestion. Second, it's an excellent show, with rousing music and lights dimmed low. Highly recommended.

• If the NL West is baseball's best division - Mark Grace called it that again today - why does it boast only one team over .500?

• Drafted Derrick Hall a proposal to perk up attendance, involving Big Gulps, a sarcastic schoolmarm and something called Bleacher Screechers. Look for it at a half empty stadium near you.

• While our Dbacks ran roughshod over the NL this week, The Kid - my kid - was cloistered down the street from The Kid's old haunts, on Boylston. Represented his school in an international geography bee. Came in third, confirming what I've said all along - he knows where it's at.

• Welcome! To Tracy of Chicks Dig The Long Ball and Russell of Arizona Via Slough to the delightfully creative camp of former MLBloggers posting freely elsewhere; a community burgeoning since MLBlogs' self-mutilation at the hands of a "Marathon Man". If this vacationer asks "Is it safe?" out here, please be sure to tell him "Yes".
  
  
• In related entertainment news, not one "amateur" Dback blog has been linked to the Dbacks homepage since the lauded "upgrade", although Red Sox Hen has been prominently linked to dbacks.com all weekend. This stuff writes itself, folks. I'm just along for the ride.

This Week's Hacks (Summer Squash)

Within MLBlogs, the opening of the baseball season, remarkably, took a back seat to...MLBlogs itself, which compromised - and in many cases, squashed - basic functionality to several hundred paying customers - with no meaningful advance warning, nor tech support worth a damn. It would take eons to catalogue the layers of ineptitude discovered to date, spread across the Planning, Design, Build, Test and Rollout stages of this embarrassment (is MLBAM even familiar with these phases?), and that is not the purpose of this post.

To begin to understand where MLBlogs fits into MLB's heirarchy, this article, written by the golden fellow (at left) "in charge" of MLBlogs (left), is illuminating.

To begin to understand how bluntly MLB implements much higher profile projects, read this, or this (hat tip: Russell)

When things are this wrong, you cant just say, "It's all Newman's fault." Well you can, but it's a little like blaming the President for everything wrong in the country. There's truth in it, but the approach isnt wholly instructive either. What you can say is this. Or this. Or this. And every MLBlogger absolutely has to read this.(hat tip:Russell)

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The questions posed to Bill James in this extensive New York Times Q&A are unusually cogent, and his responses characteristically provocative. It may squash some popular notions about James, and I promise it'll wake up your brain in the process (hat tip:Nick Piecoro)

Finally, here's a handful of Phoenix restaurants I recently reviewed on the Yelp network. Bon apetit.

This Week's Hacks

• In Tucson, the Diamondbacks are fit to be tied.

• My family is a demographer's dream. The teen pines for Barack. The wife insists on Hillary. Dad's got 'em McCain, Obama, Clinton - in that order - but it's all very fluid. In some respects, Hillary's a miserable candidate, but even I recognize she might make the best president of the three.

• Mark Reynolds, who we call "Cabana Boy", is shortening his stroke.
  

• I recently bought these baseball books at the huge VNSA sale held @ the county fairgrounds. Which book should I read first?
  

Summer of '49, David Halberstam

Whatever Happened To The Hall of Fame, Bill
James

1998 Arizona Diamondbacks Media Guide

The Mind of Bill James, Scott Gray

Tales from the Diamondback Dugout, Bob Page

Or, like a good boy eating his vegetables before dessert, must I first finish wading through Thomas Friedman's pretentious globalization tome, The World is Flat ?

• Finally, what women want